March 29th, 2006 at 10:04am - Rachel Dancin To The Beat---the beat of my heart the beat of my heart is tears US apart!

Oh, I know I could say we’re through
And tell myself I’m over you
But even if I made a vow
A promise not to miss you
Now and try to hide the truth inside
I fail cause I just can’t live a lie 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i guess it’s gonna have to hurt
I guess i’m gonna have
And let go of some things i’ve loved
To get on to the other side
I guess it’s gonna break me down
Like falling when you’re trying to fly
It’s sad, but moving on with the rest of your life
Starts with goodbye


Ok so sitting in computer class right now just thinkin. Not about anything deep or particualr, actually I' m thinkin that I want to sneak some peanut butter crackers right now. Yum but I'll just do it next period. It's been pretty average which I HATE. I like when things are exiting. Not dramatic but exiting. When things are going on and you want a break but you really don't want to be bored. I think I just need a break. I've been really snippy with some people lately. Poor Laura/Pistol to be exact. I seem to take things out on her _{A LOT! I'M SORRY MY LOVE!! AND I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER!!} Anyways, vacation needs to come up cause I need people to come cause I need to settle somethings. I was thinking the other day that I seem to be the type of person that when it comes to hanging out or something like that I can let things slide and go with the flow but when it comes to relationshipd or something that I could loose I need to control it and know what's going on at all times and that can sometimes end badly. Certainly the case that exist now is that I have NO clue what is going on and I'm not gonna lie it bothers me very much. I'll try to let things go and then we shall see how it goes......^{MORE MORNING CONVERSATIONS PLEASSE :-D}

Current mood: silly

Current music: Voices in my Head

March 27th, 2006 at 10:28am

Ok so I came to the thought that maybe it wil never be ok and normal. I'll never stop worryin about whether it will ever be good and whether or not it will get to the point that I want it to be. I tend to over think things sometimes, but what if I'm not over thinking it. What if I'm only just delayin bc I want the comfort of havin you. I like the fact that you want me and that you talk to me the way you do and the way you make me feel. Am I just settling? Or is it something different. If this is hard to follow sorry but my thoughts go in so many different ^random directions it's hard to keep them all in order sometimes. Anyways back to what I was saying, what if maybe my reasons for wanting you are good but yours aren't. You say you want me you say you like me you say you won't screw me over but I wonder. What if it's just that what if you just SAY these things but mean another. Maybe I over analyze maybe I over think but can you blame me? What I hear all the time isn't always the best and then there are all the other many times where openin up was the only option and gettin hurt was the only result. Sorry if I stress you out sorry if I annoy you sorry if I can't seem to make up my mind but I don't know what I want. I don't want to deny and then regret it later. I'm not going to be the one to say anything about it though, and I know you won't either so until one of us gets the balls to actaully say what we want I guess this HUGE cirlce of never knowing will continue...get ready cause round and around we go.

Current mood: complacent

Current music: Rachel's Voice!

July 1st, 2005 at 10:02am

WOO HOO PARTY TOMORROW!

June 27th, 2005 at 11:50am - gotta get it out!!

smog covering
problems hovering
its getting harder to smile
thoughts run fast
theyre free at last
recovering could take a while
____________________________________________


It sucks feeling the way that this does. But it's my fault, I put myself out there and i took the "risk". It's funny I used to hate saying it like that. I said that I wanted to use the word chance cause risk sounded dangerous. But risk what the right word to use because it was dangerous. No matter what word it would be that I would use that fact of the matter is that this thing wasn't ment to be pretty, and no word that I use could desuise that. Risk was the word to use because when you take a risk you are also taking that HUGE chance of getting hurt and that my friends is exactly what happened. So in the end I should only blame myself because against my better judgement and the advice of others I took the "risk". I played with the fire and I got burned....BAD!

Current mood: confused

Current music: A Walk to Remember

June 18th, 2005 at 11:34am - Share A Thought

This isn't about anyone that needs to be outed but it's just something that I can't get off my mind so I just thought I would put it down....


I don't understand why certain people do certain things and then say the reason that one doesn't understand is because one hasn't tried it yet. Well maybe the reason some people don't try it is cause it's stupid, and even thought that is just an opinion the fact that you should only do things when you are ready to handle the consequenes is a fact. I don't get how people can confide in others and then not take their opinion seriously. And it's hard to not get mad, I mean it's really hard but I can't help but be it. It sucks when you know that someone has the potential to be great and just settle for junk. I don't know but oh well in the end it's your decision not mine so maybe I have no right to be ill or whatever it is that I am at this point. So I guess I'm sorry for making you feel bad about it but then again if you feel so bad about it then maybe you shouldn't have done it in the first place. Just a thought I had, but who knows maybe I was wrong about it all.

Current mood: aggravated

Current music: Dumb Stuff

June 12th, 2005 at 4:29pm

ok well I should be in bed this I know but it seems that the sand man got lost on the way to my humble abode so therefore I am laying awake while everyone else enjoys their peaceful slumber!! :-D well in a few hours I leave to basketball camp and needless to say I AM EXITED!!!! Went to Katie's house earlier yesterday and it was fun...gotta love them late night walks!! man oh man I was revealed some strange information today lol and I still can't get over it?!?! THAT'S CRAZY! Hmm well I guess I'll try to get some sleep if I can but who knows...well off I ago to return in a week!! FAREWELL!

Current mood: relaxed

Current music: hmm Tyler Hilton

June 10th, 2005 at 1:34am

Well Well Well what a lovely day and what a lovely summer! :-D so let us just have some fun and BLAH!


Fill it out with whatever finishes it best....

1}On the perfect summer night I.....
2}A*Lay on a blanket and look at the stars B*Stay inside and watch T.V.
3}The perfect book for the summer is....
4}UGH the perfect guy for the summer would be....
5}My bestest friends ever to hang out with are....

Current mood: blink 182

May 22nd, 2005 at 10:04am

fuck you fuck your shit and all the hypocritical bullshit you feed people. you'll always be a dick no matter how much you try to change you will always be the same. fuck over your friends 24/7. that's fine take your hoes and fuck ya'll I'm over you I'm over it!



Better sooner than later!

Current mood: pissed off

Current music: rap

May 18th, 2005 at 10:21am

I don't know I just want things to be different. I want to forget about you and I want to move on. I want this other person to be it. I want to have something enter my head and not have it remind me of you. I want a different you. And I want him to want me. I just want to have things swing my way today. What I truly want more than anything is to have the things that I want come true. I don't know whether this is self pitty or self expression and take it as you will but it's just how it is. Nights are the wrost cause it's when you get to thinking about everything I wnt and everything I'm missing, I wish there was like a mall where I could just go and buy all this stuff lol. Like special order or something. I don't know I just know I quit the contract cause chances are it would have ended up making everything worse than everything better. Who was I to think that there was a chance?! HA!

Current mood: disappointed

May 15th, 2005 at 10:11am

Today was a pretty good day! I mean I don't know what to do with anything anymore. The world is spiining out of control and I need a super hero to stop it! I'm sick of the same thing over and over again. I'm tired of being the one left behind. The girl that everyone thinks they can talk trash to just cause she won't get mad. I'm sick of just being overlooked just cause certain people have a certain viewpoint of me. I don't care what you think or anything. Today was def a confusing day! Do I want him or do I not? How far am I willing to take it. Yea we are friends but the way that the track has been going is it even worth it? Is it even worth it to try to unwither the cherry that was been laid down to rest? I don't know I just know that thinking about not doing it makes me want to cry. I know what I want and I know that this is something that makes me happy and the thought of not having it makes me wonder if really I am going to go after it! I don't know I'm just tired of being looked over and everyone expecting it to be ok. I just want change. I just want to have what I really want for once!

Current mood: confused

Current music: Vanessa Carlton

May 13th, 2005 at 11:30am

Alrighty Ladies Gentelmen! This is my dedication to mygood friend Cooter. For those of you who don't know this fine young chap let me give you some information! Cooter is one of the funniest people lol!! Now here is some info of him:::

Name: Cooter

He enjoys long walks on the beach and snugglin up with a good book by the fireplace on LONG winter nights!!

PHSYC!

 He plays basketball and he is like LOVE with the Bengal's and He also really likes fantasy baseball!!! His favorite player is Chad Johnson!! Um...anyways let us move on... I am currently sitting in comp about to go eat lunch so maybe I just should finish this later BYE!

Current mood: I just ate CRACKERS!!

Current music: who knows

May 11th, 2005 at 10:40am

Ok so today was an average day expt for the select few person that decided to make it bad during Chemistry. You know who you are and I don't know why but I'm sure there is a good reason I mean there always is! I'm sure there has to be a good reson for being exessicly mean and giving attitude and being rude because with you there always is a good reason. That's the great thing about you, you always have a good reason for everthing that you do. So I guess I just can't wait to hear what the next reason is going to be. The exitment is keeping me up and nights and asleep in the mornings. I can't eat or do anything because of the rush of knowing what your next bull shit exuse might be. But I don't want to complain today I want to state the truth and the facts and then I want to go surfing. Well hey 2 out of 3 ain't bad either. Ok well I like a boi. Well at least I think I do. The events that have occured (( or lack there of for that matter) have led me to believe that this in fact just could be true. I don't exactly know when it happened ( although I might have an idea of where)) but the matter of fact is that it has happened and whether I wanted it to or not is now out of my control. But I do hopw to try everything in my power to sieze this revalation and do with it what I please.
Now unto bigger and better things. I realized something today. I noticed that people have faults. I mean I knew that I have always knows this but it hit me in a surreal way today. I don't understand why people feel that they need to act a certain way around certain people just to be liked and accepted. As if who are you isn't good enough. But the problem is that if in the end they do accept you then they aren't really accepting you the are accepting the character that you have put on and come to make them believe and that's just all a lie and I just wonder why and how in the world some people can do that all day long for many times. I guess I just want to say that you don't need to just be you because honestly that's all I can take. (( you know who you are))

Current mood: alone, but happy , fullfilled

May 10th, 2005 at 9:54am

I like him its official! and its back to stay I think. But I don't know if I want it to. I mean it's cool and all that I do. But what if I have no chance? What if nothing will happen? What if i am just leading my self on for dissappointment? What about all the what if's?!?! I'm alone in a dark room searching for my night light! :'( I want him to be my light(( :-D)) Today was drama well atleast I found out drama. I think that I am just ready for school to be over. Not really to get away from people but just get away ya know? I don't know maybe I am just being dumb lol. But anyways I guess that is just about it that might interst anyone at all. But maybe I like someone else too or maybe it is just lust. But I can assure you of something I def don't have a chance do I will def not put it on here lol. Well I'm out into the land of dreams!! Hope to see you there!

Current mood: searching

Current music: Joss Stone-"Spoiled~Michelle Branch-"All You Wanted"

May 9th, 2005 at 9:24am

Ugh I am just so frusturated with so much right now. and to some people it might not seem like a big deal but it just irks me! I mean ok I know what I want to do with my life and whether to some people it might sound dumb or not it's not my problem my goals are set. but it just seems that the more i try the harder it gets. I think about what I want to do and i get exited just thinking that one day i will be doing that BUT....i see all the right doors opening and then as soon as I get close they just seem to close right in my face. the funny thing is that I am not mad about it at all. I'm just upset and frusturated and disappointed all at the same time. I seriosly don't know what to do about it anymore bc I feel like my dream wont come true if I just sit here and wait but persuing it just hurts when what I know I am ment to do doesn't work out. And I don't even know if the key is in the future or not that's the thing.

I don't know I don't really feel like typing anymore just sitting and thinking about what my next move could possibly be my next move.

Current mood: disappointed

May 8th, 2005 at 10:49am

aww I love her! She rocks my socks! But anyways right now I am on the phone with Manuel and Paula. They are crazy kids. um anyways...yes today i can't believe it i woke up and 3:00 in the afternoon. AWW HAPPY MOTHERS DAY! ok today well i got a lecture about who knows what but it had nothing that really mattered in it bc well they never acknowlege anyting lol. Ok well summer is coming soon so I guess I am exited. UM DUDE i need a boy. lol yea this we all know and um anyways....i am listening to music and i have no clue who its by. um yes i love chocolate milk and i want some right now. i have yet to do my alg so i should do it now lol.

I love you paula and fair lady and katie b and rufus and amy and alison and thia and raja and baby girl ((lol)) and everyone else who i 4 got lol....and all my lil boy people lol!

Current mood: cheerful

Current music: I'm not sure

May 6th, 2005 at 9:50am

UGH there are utterly no words to describe how mad and freakin unfair i feel right now! I mean it's not fair that I get yelled at just because you had a jacked up day at work well that's not my problem don't take it out on me!! and Then on top if that I have to take that dumb SAT thing tomorrow. UGH yea and then I think I like two people but the one person of those two that I want to be with there is a gray area! what an ugly color grey I'm telling you! i mean it even sounds confusing and not understood i think its a danger to society! flowers describe life and explain death. I have now aquired and awesome liking for black and white and pictures. I think they are so much more prettier! and not just because of the lack of color or anything but just cause I think it shows more essence. but that's enough of that deep stuff lol so much has happened this week!!---->we got our yearbooks today and there is all the drama that always seems to float around and then there's my lil boys issues lol. my oh my I QUIT! lol i quit caring and school and everything its just not worth it to me anymore lol. I mean school has nothing to do with school i mean i have never told anyone this really but what I really want to do is sing. I mean i like to do other stuff to but when i think about making them my job its like all i can think about is doing that and i know that i will someday i mean i can feel it you know?!? i know anyone who reads this will probobly think i'm dumb or whatever but oh well its just the way it is so i guess there is nothing i can do about it. well um I don't know i feel very fat right now lol for some reason but oh well I'm going on a 1500 calorie diet starting this week and I'm also going to work out much more so by the summer everything should be ok! man oh man I can't wait till basketball camp! aww that just made me so happy thinking about it lol. ok well I should probobly go to sleep seeing as I have that SAT thing tomorrow morning! Smooches lol I can't belive I just said that but anywho good night ya'll!! MUAH!

Current mood: aggravated

May 2nd, 2005 at 10:05am - I can't take my mind of you

ok can someone please explain to me why it is that some guys just can't seemt o gentelmen and not ask girls to have sex with them. I mean how hard is it honestly to just chill out and hang. Is it honestly that hard for some people. I guess for Baker it is. And who knows if he ever sees this chances are he will be mad that I just told anyone who reads this but truth be told I don't care bc it is so annoying that everytime i talk to him that is all that he wants to talk about or ask or whatever it is that he has decided to type or talk about this time. but always never forgetting to talk about sex and now i wonder why that is. i don't know if he thinks that i am the kind of girl that will act like a hoe and just bc he says a few nice things that im going to do whatever he wants bc that is what his ex was for and i know that that seems harsh but it is the truth and well all know it. But let us move on to better things you want to know who is so precious lol look....

Current mood: creative

Current music: sappy love songs

April 23rd, 2005 at 9:59am - hmmm

ok well I guess that I can get this straight b/c it seems that the way that I understand it...you think that this is all yours just b/c you say it is? Hell NO! I don't know who you think you are or who you think I am for that matter but the fact is that who and what I listen to is none of your concern. And further more who are you to question whether or not I know who someone is. I can try and broaden who it is I listen to and whether or not you like it i could give a rat's ass! but that's enough of that....
I feel like I'm just tired of the same rutine. maybe Brian was right, maybe everything has just become a habit that I want to meet new people and see new things. I think I'm just ready for the summer and that I can just go and try new things. I just feel like I'm in this bubble and no matter how much I try to change I can't get out ya know? I guess I also wish I had you with me! GOSH everyday something or another reminds me of you and I can't help but think how I wish I was still with you. How we would still talk and by the sound of my voice you could tell everything about me. Am I going to live with this regret everyday? Cause I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can sit here night after night...weekend after weekend and wish that you were with me instead of her.
Ok it's story time::
There once was this girl named K and she was acting like a witch. See this girl names Ives really liked this song named Cannonball and for some reason Kay seemed a little attached to it and Ives though that that was fine but see that song described something she felt and that song belonged to someone. Then Kay decided to e a 2 yr old and do dumb things. Now Kay was over at her friends Melissa's house and Melissa had been being a jerk ever since she started hanging out with her new "best" friends named Linda. Linda's rep around the school is for being a whore but Ives didn't really care about her at all b/c they didn't talk...but if Kay was going to be a jerd around Melissa who was a jerk around Linda then Ives didn't want anything to do with them!
WOW WASN'T THAT A GOOD STORY!

Current mood: aggravated

Current music: right now..Damien Rice

April 16th, 2005 at 11:59pm - welcome to my life

Well it's one one thing when somethin happens to you once, bu t twice MAN oh MAN what luck I tell you what luck! let's see main guarding points that I want to live by:
1.live your life so that you'll be happy (( and in accordance to God of course))
2.Don't care what other people think..who are they to judge you anyways?
3.Take that chances you know are worth taking
4.Don't give up the fight
5.Live so you don't regret a moment of it
6.Find your best friends cause they'll guide you through it (( once again God too!!))
I guess I write these down so that when I 4 get them I can always go back and look and rem why it is I am the way I am and I do the things that I do. I'm not saying I'm a bad person but sometimes it's like with everything that goes one in life you can get lost and loose perspective on what the true goal ia ya know. I don't mean to get all mushy it's just what I seem to have on my mind lately. I'm not trying to be conceeded or anything but I would think that I have a lot of friends. I mean I almost pratically get a long with everyone and I talk to a lot of people. But the funny thing is that I can be surrounded by all of them and be talking to them...having a GREAT time you know but it seems like not one of them would get me! As if I tried to explain them something they wouldn't truly understand me. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Maybe if you knew everything about someone then that person wouldn't be so interesting to you anymore. Who knows..WOW the things that I think about lol I really need to get a life! Anywho I am sick and took some nyquil...MAN oh MAN that stuff can knock you out real quick!!
If it was ment to be it would happen right? Gee Wilikers I so hope so...I want to tell stories too!

Current mood: curious

Current music: ROCK ON! lol HAHA